


tuesdays

by orphan_account



Series: help me breathe [9]
Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gangs, M/M, great googly moogly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-26 13:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5006614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The noose around Dongsung's neck loosens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tuesdays

**Author's Note:**

> hey. i accidentally posted this while i was drafting up these fics and i died a little inside. sorry if u got an email for this like 2 days ago.  
> anyway. neato  
> kudos + comments are appreciated!!

It’s a Tuesday.

It’s a Tuesday, and the sun is shining, and Dongsung is out with Taeyang at the store. Sehyuk said that he was just going to send Taeyang out, but he was afraid something would happen to him, so he wanted Dongsung to guard him.

Fine. Dongsung will do whatever Sehyuk tells him to. And for the time being, he’ll do anything Taeyang tells him to, except Taeyang doesn’t demand anything of Dongsung. Instead, he asks, asks what sort of spaghetti sauce he should buy and if Dongsung will go get the the toilet paper from the other side of the store. Dongsung says that he’s not sure what they should get and goes and gets the toilet paper, of course.

Dongsung isn’t accustomed to it, things being asked of him rather than demanded. Taeyang would have gladly taken no for an answer and just walked over to get the toilet paper himself. He puts credit to Dongsung’s opinion on the generic sauce (“Not the best, right?” “You’re right…”) and doesn’t get it. It’s strange.

 

Today they discovered that Taeyang forgot to get the biscuits. So, today, Dongsung is out with Hansol. He’s not sure why Sehyuk thinks he needs a babysitter.

On their way home, Dongsung with the bag in his hands and Hansol casting nervous glances back at him, Dongsung sees someone across the street. And he stops.

This someone is a man, looking to be around Dongsung’s age, talking to someone else- his friend, girlfriend, sister?

It’s the smile.

Dongsung hasn’t smiled in ages, but he recognizes it. He recognizes his own smile, his own smile on this other man, round and big and with the brightest teeth.

Pain. There’s pain in the back of Dongsung’s head, like a knife through flesh, and Dongsung can’t stop himself from gasping. Hansol flinches and turns back to look at Dongsung, looking panicked, and Dongsung motions for Hansol to keep going, so Hansol does.

Hansol might catch flack for getting home before Dongsung does, but whatever.

Dongsung raises his gaze back to the man across the street, watching as he talks. Hearing him laugh. Recognizing it in the back of his head.

_Brother_.

Dongsung keeps walking.

 

Dongsung asks. He is bold, and he asks.

“Who am I?”

Sehyuk looks up from his phone, raising an eyebrow. “You’re Dongsung, of course.”

“I- I mean, who- who  _am_ I?” Dongsung repeats, feeling strange, standing in front of Sehyuk. Standing in front of his master, asking such bold questions.  _Bold_.

Sehyuk makes a disapproving noise, like a disappointed mother. Disappointed that Dongsung is asking such bold questions. “Darling, I can’t tell you anything about yourself. You’ve got to find that out yourself, shouldn’t you know?” Sehyuk smirks like he knows, he truly does know,  _of course he does_.

Dongsung feels something akin to anger prick in his chest and it’s foreign, something he hasn’t felt towards Sehyuk in a long time.

_I still want him dead_. The realization hits him.

Dongsung nods and leaves the room.

 

It’s Tuesday again, and Dongsung cannot find anything.

He’s dug through his own closet. It contains nothing but his own clothes and books that Sehyuk’s allowed him to keep. He’s dug through Hansol’s closet. It contains nothing but Hansol’s clothes, books, electronics that have been long broken, and discarded band-aid boxes. He’s dug through Sangwon’s closet. It contains nothing but Sangwon’s clothes, medical texts, and jars of preserved body parts and small animals.

All that is left is Sehyuk’s room.

Sehyuk is asleep, and Dongsung knows personally that Sehyuk is a deep sleeper. Dongsung is also a quiet mover, knowing exactly which board in the floor creaks and stepping over it.

The closet door creaks when he opens it and he pauses, just long enough for Sehyuk to turn over and fall back into deep sleep. His mind lingers absently on what Sehyuk could be dreaming about while he looks through the boxes of files and flips through papers, until he finds a file of entry sheets.

Entry sheets. Dongsung remembers this, he had to fill it out, it must be in here somewhere. He flips through them, reading off names under his breath (Park Hyunho, Kim Hansol, Kwon Sohee, Woo Jiho, none of them are  _him_ ) until he finds his.

He snatches it out of the file with little to no regard for keeping quiet and shuts the box and door as quietly as he can, then darts out of the room and up to his own.

He’s certain Hansol has heard him but he doesn’t care, he just cares about reading over these three pages and finding something, anything.

Kim Dongsung. Born on August 1st, 1992, one brother, from Seoul. His thumbprint is in black, on a little window printed specifically for the purpose. He thinks the picture must be old, because he looks a lot different now. His cheeks aren’t that round, his eyes aren’t that mean, that’s not him.

That is him.

Dongsung bites his lip, reading through the descriptions of his appearance and personality. It seems that it was written by Sehyuk, due to the reference to Dongsung’s first day (“he tried to kill me”). If Sehyuk was going to do this to Dongsung- wipe away his identity, form him into something he’s  _not_ \- then he could have falsified it. He could have seen this coming, known that one day something might give.

The next page explains the initiation process taken and then the last one is a calendar spread, one of the ones with the months set side by side and days in small numbers. There’s a day circled, previously described as Dongsung’s entry date, and then another date, a week later, and then something four months beyond, and then eight months.

Four months. Four months after entry date, what happened, what happened-

Dongsung’s head hurts so badly. He can’t remember, no matter how hard he tries. He flips back to the front page, staring at the numbers bearing his entry date (8/2/12, a day after his 20th birthday).

What happened?

_Sehyuk_.

 

Dongsung is numb. He keeps catching himself muttering dates and numbers and names that don’t really make sense, even to himself.

He supposes someone talks to Sehyuk about it. Of course they do, because they’ve always been scared of him. But, shouldn’t they be scared of Sehyuk? Dongsung- Dongsung doesn’t think he’d do this if he was himself, who he thinks he used to be.

But really, who was he, in the first place?

“Dongsung,” Sehyuk says softly, and the name still brings Dongsung to attention, quieting his mumbling. “What have you been doing, dear?”

“I- I don’t understand the question.” Dongsung replies, politely, as he’s always been taught to do. Polite to those above you. Polite to those who broke you, lest they break you even more.

“My closet, Dongsung. What did you do with those files?” Sehyuk asks, and even though his voice holds little to no inflection, there’s something stirring beyond it. Fear. Dongsung thinks it’s fear.

Dongsung is bold. “I read them.”

Sehyuk is uninterested, as usual. “What did you find out?”

“Donghyun,” Dongsung says, licking his lips. Nervous. “I have a brother named Donghyun. I saw him.”

Sehyuk arches an eyebrow. “Really, now. How… nice.”

Anger. It’s hot, burning in Dongsung’s chest. He wants to tear Sehyuk apart. He is so bold. “What did you do to me?”

Sehyuk sees Dongsung’s fists ball up at his sides. He smiles. “Nothing, dear.”

Dongsung has visions of choking Sehyuk like he used to. He wants to kill him.

He turns around and leaves the room.

 

“Well. He knows.”

Sehyuk is met with confused stares.

“He knows what I did to him, now.” Sehyuk lights his third cigarette of the hour, taking the filter between his teeth and chewing idly. “I don’t know what I did wrong. I can’t let him out again, because he saw his brother sometime or another.”

Hansol’s face scrunches. “That’s what happened the other day.”

“Pardon?”

“He suddenly stopped, when we went out for uh… biscuits, yeah. I didn’t know what was wrong, but he told me to go ahead, so I did… I guess that’s when he saw him, or something.” Hansol shrugs, and Sehyuk sighs.

“This is truly a pity. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

 

_I am not a thing._

_Sehyuk does not own me. I am not to be had. He does not love me. But he tried to make me love him._

_Maybe I do._

_I am not a pet, I am not something that Sehyuk went and bought, I am a human being I am a fucking person and I joined this sect because I wanted to lead people I wanted people to respect me and love me and I got this instead, **I AM NOT A THING**_

_I am nothing._


End file.
